The Motherhood Ideal

You know how there are some days, or at least some hours, when you feel like you're doing a pretty good job as a mom? You say the right things, you do the right things, and your child is happy and considerate and says "I love you, Mama," and "Please" and "Thank you," and is in general a bunch of fun to be around.

I feel like those days, those hours, are slipping away from me far too much lately. I want to be the best mom I can be, I really really really really do. I love that darn little girl of mine so much and I still feel a little thrill when she calls for me because I think it is such a privilege to be her mama. But she is the total embodiment of "terrible twos" right now, and it's sometimes I snap before I can stop myself. And sometimes I find myself trying to explain to her why I'm so frustrated, but I already know that what I'm saying is too complicated for her. So she isn't going to understand and the moment is already gone. And then she's already on to the next thing and I'm still standing there, inanely saying "Sabrina, do you understand why Mama is so unhappy? Because you did something that I asked you not to do and I keep asking you not to do it and you keep doing it anyway and that makes Mama very frustrated." And she's totally oblivious to me already, and I can hear myself talking and am thinking "What the hell am I even saying??" Even if she was listening, I'd have lost her in the first half of my warbled monologue. But I still can't stop.

I read an article recently that recommended that when you're frustrated with your child, you should stop and ask yourself what you'd want your mom to do if you were the one who was two and the roles were reversed. I'm trying to do that, and it helps sometimes. Because of course, you'd want your mom to stop, take a deep breath, and get down on your level and explain in a way you understand and wasn't all mean and snappy. God, I don't want to be mean and snappy. And yet (head down in shame), I am.

Actually, I have to say that I've had moments in the past day or two when I also want to be able to reason with Nathan as well. Mind you, he's just 12 weeks. But he really only wants me to hold him and not John, and he cries a lot, and his new trick of sleeping through the night (can I get a hallelujah??) means that he doesn't really nap much during the day. Which is great at night, but means he needs to be entertained all day. So sometimes I'll be trying to hold him and deal with Sabrina and I'm starving and really want to just put him down for a few minutes to get to deal with life. And I'll find myself wanting to just say to him, "Nathan, Mama's hungry and she just needs to eat, so if you could just sit there in your bouncy chair, that would really help."

I think perhaps I'm losing it. Because, sure, I could say that to him. I'm sure it would sound like everything else I say to him - some nice flurry of sounds that mean nothing to him. Because he's a baby.

Hmmm. Perhaps this is what my voice sounds like to Sabrina as well, only maybe not as nice or flurry. I just make sounds that equates to something she doesn't want to hear, so she just ignores them.

Oh, and Nathan has a flat spot on his head. This is driving me nuts and is providing me with yet another reason to feel terribly, horribly guilty. It means he has spent too much time on his back, and I admit it freely - he has. Between carting Sabrina back and forth to preschool in the car and spending hours at various parks while he (hopefully) sleeps in his car seat in the stroller, and popping him in the aforementioned bouncy chair so that I can take Sabrina to the potty or whatever the crisis of the moment is, the poor little dude spends a lot of time on his back. Oh, god, I feel so bad about it. So now he has a flat spot. The remedy is obvious - get him off his back. And, in no small coincidence, he lately has absolutely no patience for being anywhere but in my arms. He hates his car seat, won't stand for the bouncy seat for more than 5 minutes, and will only barely tolerate being propped up in his boppy pillow. So I got a new sling and I'm trying to learn how to use it. It will help when he can hold his head up a little better, but in the meantime, I'm trying. I am. I don't want him to end up in a little head helmet.

So yeah. There's little around here that's ideal right now. Is there ever?