Don't touch me!

Do you know what the term 'touched out' means? If you're the mother to at least one small child, you probably do. It's the feeling that you have after taking care of small, needy creatures all day that you just can't have one more thing or one more person touch you. You are all touched out. This is especially true of nursing moms. This is especially true of me.

Of course, the person who usually gets the full brunt of me not wanting to be touched isn't either one of the kids. Of course not. It's my husband. Sometimes he just scootches close to me in bed when we're watching TV before falling asleep and it's all I can do not to just push him away. And sometimes I do, I just can't help it. I have a needy, separation-anxiety-driven 8-month old that I hold and nurse all day and a 2-year-old who wants to be held and read to and played with all day. The ever so small, ever so fleeting time I have in the evenings between when we put the kids to bed and the next time Nathan wakes up to nurse is supposed to be mine...although it's usually filled with me trying to get some of my freelance work done, eat dinner, and just try to get some down time (ha). I'm afraid I usually just don't want to have to fulfill yet another need for someone else.

I know, it sounds terrible. And I know that my husband and our marriage both need my attention and love as well. But heck, sometimes the cat will jump up on me in the evenings and I push her away too. I just don't want anyone, anything that needs my physical attention and affection. The baby will inevitably be awake and needing to nurse again in only an hour or two. Sometimes I just can't take it. I can't offer myself up for anything else. It's like my body is community property these days. And most of the time, the door is open, come on in, I'm all for it. But every now and then, I just want the door to be shut. Lights out, business is closed. Come back later.