A crazy kind of love

I was once told that parenting is the hardest thing you'll ever do. The most rewarding, to be sure, but the hardest.

I don't think they were kidding. The sheer endurance that is required can pretty much pull you under, never mind the financial, physical, and emotional toll. And that's just if you're doing a pretty good job as a parent. Whoever sets the bar of being an excellent parent always seems to keep it rising, within sight but juuust out of reach. On a good day, that is. Pretty much out of the ballpark on a bad one.

The exhaustion, though, oh, the exhaustion is so hard. And there isn't ever enough of a break, not really. You can grab an hour or two off here and there, and there's that delicious hour or two at night when you can just sit and watch Grey's Anatomy. And if you're truly lucky, you won't be interrupted to find out why your two-year-old has woken up and is crying, or to nurse the baby. But for the most part, you never get enough rest. Enough time off to be really rested and really ready to re-engage? That is only a nice, far-off dream. No, you just have to keep pushing through, and you just have to deal with the fact that the needs of these children, the ever-present need, is constant.

Stay with me here, because I'm just getting started. Want to know what the hardest thing is? If you're a parent, especially a stay-at-home parent, you know that it's the relentlessness of it...for the love of god, sometimes it's almost funny how far you can be pushed, regardless of your own feelings or status or well-being. Your needs are so far down the page, sometimes they aren't even in view. And with more than one child, it only gets multiplied.

A friend came and stayed with me and the kids for a weekend awhile back when John was out of town. She's fabulous with kids and adores mine, so it was great to have her here because she really pitches in and helps, you know? She doesn't just sit on the couch watching as chaos rains down around her. Anyway, at one point she looked at me and asked incredulously, "Holy crap, it just never stops, does it?"

No, it doesn't. And it won't, not even tonight when things are momentarily calm and quiet. Nathan has yet to sleep through the night, Sabrina often wakes and needs to be tucked back in, and the cat seems to be very fond of throwing up in the middle of the night. Oh, and pooping on the bathroom floor. The exhaustion and the relentlessness of it? Very much a part of my life right now.

But here's the thing - here's the kicker - I'm crazy, crazy in love with these kids. Now before you start rolling your eyes, let me assure you that I know what you're thinking. Before I had children, when I heard someone say how lucky they were to be a parent, I would think to myself, "Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whatever. Throw some sunshine somewhere else." I always thought it was the kid who was lucky to have a good parent, not the other way around. And I wasn't usually in the mood to listen to some schmaltzy parent waxing on about how privileged they were to have these kids.

Now I know better. (Prepare yourself.) I still get a little thrill in my heart at least once a day when Sabrina says "Mommy" and she means me. ME! This beautiful, smart, funny, fascinating child loves ME. When she's sick or tired or gets hurt, the only person in the world who can make it better, the ONLY person in the world she wants, is me. That blows me away. To be that lucky, that incredibly lucky to be the person whom she loves more than anything, well...words fail me.

And this baby of mine, this little boy, who is gorgeous and sweet and happy...I can't believe he's mine either. I actually gave birth to him! The way he lights up when he sees me - good god, it could stop my heart right in its tracks. How did this happen? Where did he come from? And is it really my good luck that he wants nothing more in this world than to be held and nursed and comforted and played with by me?

I didn't lose you there, did I? Somewhere in the deep, velvety world of adoration for my children? Well, maybe I did. Maybe you were all for this post when you thought it was all about bitching about how hard parenting is and then you walked away from the computer in disgust when you realized that this post is really about how worth it it all is.

Well, it's true. This parenting biz? God, it's hard. Harder than I could have ever imagined or predicted or expected. But it is also more mind-blowing and wonderful and soul-altering than I ever knew as well. So there you go. It is, in fact, the hardest thing you'll ever do. And also the most rewarding. They go hand-in-hand. Sometimes the exhaustion and relentlessness wins out. And sometimes, in the moments of pure grace, the beauty of a love like this wins. And that's when you know you would never change your life, not for anything.